If you were asked to name the most important thing in your life, chances are you’d point to a relationship — with a partner, child, parent, family member, or close friend. And it’s not just because relationships make us feel good. Research shows they play a powerful role in both our mental and physical health.
According to Kale Monk, a University of Missouri associate professor and youth and family specialist, social connections can even influence how long we live. Studies have found that people who are socially isolated are more likely to die prematurely than those who are socially connected. In fact, the negative impact of isolation can be as strong — or even stronger — than smoking, physical inactivity, or exposure to pollution.
However, not all relationships are beneficial. Unhealthy or strained relationships can increase stress, anxiety, and depression, and may even trigger inflammation and weaken the immune system. The phrase “you make me sick” can sometimes be true in a very literal sense.
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, it’s a good time to reflect on how we can strengthen the relationships that matter most. There’s extensive research on what makes relationships thrive, and Monk himself has co-authored an entire book on the subject. Here are two key tips to get started:
1. Practice regular relationship maintenance
Just as you don’t wait for your car to break down before taking care of it, relationships also need ongoing attention. Check in regularly, address small issues early, and nurture your connections throughout the year — not just on Valentine’s Day or anniversaries. Think of Valentine’s Day as a reset or a relationship “New Year’s resolution,” with consistent effort to follow.
2. Build a strong foundation of friendship and admiration
Couples therapist John Gottman refers to “love maps” — the idea of deeply knowing your partner’s inner world. This means understanding their hopes, worries, preferences, and priorities. Making space for this knowledge shows genuine interest and care, and helps you love your partner more intentionally. Simple activities, games, or thoughtful conversations can help you learn more about what truly matters to them.
Strong relationships don’t happen by accident. They’re built through attention, curiosity, and care — and the benefits extend far beyond romance, supporting our health, happiness, and overall wellbeing.
Asking thoughtful questions helps you truly understand the people you care about. Simple prompts like, “Who are your best friends?” “What was your favorite vacation?” or “What is your ultimate goal in life?” open the door to meaningful conversations. Keep in mind that answers evolve over time, so it’s important to keep asking and talking.
Go beyond surface-level check-ins like “How are you?” and ask questions with more depth, such as, “What are you most concerned about right now?” or “What helps you feel comforted when you’re stressed?” Showing genuine interest means listening closely and following up on what they share, not just waiting for your turn to speak.
3. Respond positively to bids for connection
Research shows that it’s the small, everyday interactions — not grand gestures — that determine the health of a relationship. When a partner makes an effort to connect in ordinary ways, such as sharing a story, asking for your opinion, or pointing out something interesting, these moments are known as “bids” for connection.
According to relationship research, there are three ways to respond to these bids: negatively (turning against), neutrally (turning away), or positively (turning toward). Turning toward your partner — even in small ways — strengthens the bond over time.
Monk shares a personal example. When his wife excitedly mentioned that her favorite baseball team, the Kansas City Royals, was going to the World Series, he responded by changing the subject. Although not openly hostile, the dismissive reply left her deflated. A more connecting response would have acknowledged her excitement and invited her to share more, such as asking what the moment meant to her or who her favorite player was.
Responding in this way allows partners to share in each other’s interests, deepen understanding, and build intimacy — strengthening that foundation of friendship and connection.
4. Be cautious of the “soulmate” mindset
Believing there is only one perfect partner — and that fate alone should make a relationship effortless — can actually harm long-term relationships. People who subscribe to a “relationship destiny” mindset may be less willing to put in the work required to navigate challenges.
This belief can lead to unrealistic expectations, such as assuming a partner should always know what you need without communication or that disagreements shouldn’t happen. When conflict inevitably arises, disappointment can follow, and partners may conclude they chose the wrong person. Healthy relationships thrive not because they’re destined, but because both people are willing to communicate, grow, and work through differences together.
A healthier and more realistic approach to relationships is having a growth mindset. This means accepting that strong relationships don’t happen automatically — they require ongoing effort. As Monk puts it, we need to “water our own lawn” instead of assuming the grass is greener somewhere else. Investing time, care and attention where you are is what allows relationships to grow and thrive.
5. Be mindful of your attributions
We naturally make judgments about other people’s behavior, often filling in the gaps about their intentions. Problems arise when those assumptions are consistently negative. For example, if your partner is late for dinner, it’s easy to assume they don’t care or are being inconsiderate. A more generous interpretation might be that they were stuck in traffic or dealing with an unexpected work issue.
Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt — at least until you have all the facts — helps prevent unnecessary conflict. The same applies to positive actions. If your partner does something kind, like bringing home flowers, assume it’s because they care, not because they’re trying to make up for something. Healthy relationships are built on assuming good intentions, unless past behavior clearly suggests otherwise.
6. “Go to the balcony” for an adult timeout
During conflict, stress can quickly take over, triggering the body’s fight, flight or freeze response. While this reaction can be useful in dangerous situations, it often makes relationship conflicts worse.
Conflict resolution expert Bill Ury suggests “going to the balcony” — mentally stepping back and observing the situation as if you were a neutral third party. From that perspective, ask yourself: How am I coming across? Am I raising my voice? Would I feel proud or embarrassed if I saw this interaction from the outside?
This pause creates space to reflect on what you really want to happen, what role you may have played in the misunderstanding, and how the issue can be resolved together. Shifting your mindset from “me versus you” to “us versus the problem” helps turn conflict into an opportunity for understanding and growth.
7. Couples who play together, stay together
Sharing playful, new or exciting experiences helps couples build intimacy and associate joy with each other. Research shows that doing something fun — even a little silly — can strengthen relationship satisfaction. In one study, couples were asked to complete a goofy physical task together, and those who did reported feeling closer than couples assigned to more ordinary activities.
The takeaway? Quality time doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. The more fun, lighthearted or ridiculous the activity, the better. What matters is laughing together and enjoying each other’s company.
8. Use social media mindfully
Social media can help us stay connected and express love or pride in our partners. But it can also trigger jealousy, comparison and insecurity. Platforms like Facebook, Instagram and TikTok often show only the highlight reel of people’s lives, which can lead to unrealistic expectations and unnecessary resentment.
Excessive scrolling or posting may also signal growing insecurity in ourselves or our relationships. Using social media in moderation — and staying grounded in real-life connection — helps protect relationship health.
9. Express gratitude often
Research consistently shows that expressing gratitude strengthens relationships. When you acknowledge and appreciate your partner’s efforts, they feel valued and understood. Gratitude also helps both partners stay aware of what they do well for each other.
Even better, appreciation tends to be contagious. When one partner expresses gratitude, the other is more likely to respond with kindness in return. Simple gestures — a thoughtful note, a favorite meal, or a heartfelt “thank you” — can go a long way.
10. Don’t be afraid to seek help
There is no one-size-fits-all relationship. Partners have different needs shaped by culture, life stage and personal experiences. Seeking therapy or counseling isn’t a sign of failure — it’s a proactive step toward growth.
Therapy isn’t only for relationships in crisis. It can help couples maintain happiness, strengthen communication and prevent small issues from becoming major conflicts. Just like regular check-ups, relationship “tune-ups” can help keep things healthy over time.
